chili taste-off

rik, i saw in another thread that you were invitin denyse01 to come down to tejas where you're gonna have 75 degree weather tomorrow and it got me to thinkin of one o my all time favorite texas jokes... puts me in tears by the end cause i can relate. :D been there, done that. :torch: ~s

Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank, Who Was Visiting Texas:

Frank: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else
wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment,
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon when the call came. The other two judges, Native Texans,
assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event."

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Mobster Chili
Judge One: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy!

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've got a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now and got out of my way so I could get to the beer wagon. The barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the beans. It would make a good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick, very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of
the judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili#6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet, aggressive use of peppers, onion, garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No
one seem inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation
Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't
feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili#8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili, safe for all,
not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
the chili pot on top of himself.
Frank: -----------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)