How To Poop At Work

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to
admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles
and suddenly felt something brewing down
below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves
otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk
briskly around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a
bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in
the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they
catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while
taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by
a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in he urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several
farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or
a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the
toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the
poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall,
to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk up the room. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague
who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her
arm. Always look around the office for the
Out The Closet Pooper before entering
the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PF.N) A
group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom
somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that
are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will reduce the odds of a pooper of your
sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not
realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at
work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts
all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used
to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
in a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud
splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that
creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee or a Jailbreak. Try using a Camo-
Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to
linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poop
when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Poop Well and Prosper!

Another great article from the Unlce Ted himself!

Oh man, had me in stiches! I might go celebrate with a flyby (Office Pranks at their best!)

Good job Petard! :p

It's better to bear the shame than bear the pain.:D