Your friends call you a douchebag so much, youíve probably started to think that you are one. As a service to our readers, Inside Joke invites you to answer the following questions by clicking in the circle next to the answer that best describes how you would act in each of the situations presented to you. Good luck! Unless youíre a douchebag, in which case, donít talk to me.
1) When you go to McDonaldís with friends, do you:
A) Order first and scamper off to play with your new Happy Meal toy.
B) Not order fries and then steal handfuls from each of your friends.
C) Order last so that you can hit up all of your friends for their change.
2) When walking your dog in the park, you always make sure to:
A) Return any frisbees or tennis balls he might grab to their owners.
B) Scold him loudly when he sniffs strangersí crotches, but when they leave, pat him on the head encouraging him to "next time put a little more nose into it."
C) Have your dog write your full legal name in steaming crap by the gazebo.
3) You buy a pack of gum at a supermarket and find yourself behind an elderly woman with two full carts at the checkout line. You:
A) Politely point out that you only have one item and ask if you could move ahead.
B) Sigh loudly as you read the tabloid exclusive on Michael Jacksonís "Elephant Butler".
C) Wonder aloud, "Why the hell does she need so much food? Sheís gonna croak in like a week or two anyway!"
4) When your condom breaks during intercourse you say:
A) "Itís okay, I was planning on proposing to you afterwards anyway."
B) "What noise? I didnít hear anything break!"
C) "Sucks to be you!"
5) Your eight year old sisterís school play is the same night as the Dave Matthews concert you have tickets to. Do you:
A) Go to your little sisterís play, and scalp the tickets on e-bay.
B) Go to the concert and bring back a dimebag for her.
C) Call in a bomb threat to the school in a fake Arab accent so that they postpone the play.
6) Your roommate repeatedly borrows your jeans without returning them. Do you:
A) Take them back and hide them under the mattress next to your collection of Asian porn.
B) Hang a sign on your dresser reading, "To all *******s: please stay out!".
C) Shit on his bed, and when he asks who did it, blame it on "Not Me" the delightful apparition from the Family Circus comic strip.
7) Your close female friend has had too much too drink and passes out on your couch. Do you:
A) Keep her from getting cold by wrapping her in your ALF sleeping bag.
B) Remove her puke covered shirt and bra and cover her in fresh, clean Saran-Rap.
C) Slip her another roofie, "Just in case".
8) As a man gets into a taxi, you see his wallet fall out of his pocket onto the sidewalk. Do you:
A) Check his ID for phone number, call him, and arrange a meeting place to return it to him.
B) Immediately hail a cab, and shout "follow that car!" so that you can laugh at him when he gets out.
C) Return his wallet, but not before making a note of his address so that you can break into his house and rob him blind, paying particular attention to the items with the most sentimental value.
9) Your girlfriendís cat has to be put to sleep. You:
A) Console her throughout the night, letting her cry on your shoulder, telling her that her catís in a better place.
B) Buy her a houseplant and say "Letís see if you can take care of this, okay?"
C) Look her in the eyes and say "Well, now we can get back to concentrating on the only ***** that really matters".
10) At an office party, an annoying coworker tells you that she has a huge crush on you, and asks if you would like to go to dinner with her that weekend. Do you:
A) Say that you value her friendship too much to jeopardize it.
B) Tell her that it might be the alcohol talking, but that you have a strict policy against dating coworkers, particularly bitchy ones that you hate.
C) Say "Like to? Iíd hate to! But, I would let you go down on me in the copy room".
11) You throw a rowdy party when your parents are away and a window gets broken. You:
A) Cover the window with newspaper and tape, pretending not to notice.
B) Punch yourself in the face a few times, steal some of your momís jewelry, and say you were attacked by a burgler in a break-in.
C) Blame your recovering drug addict brother, "He was so high that he spilt beer all over the rug and drove over lawn too! I think he needs to go back to rehab."
12) A homeless man asks you for a quarter to make a phone call. You:
A) Pretend to be foreign and sing the latest Ricky Martin hit in broken English.
B) Give him nothing and say "No way! If I keep giving away all my money, Iím gonna end up just like you."
C) Give him a quarter, say "Too bad you didnít ask for more. Iím ****ing loaded!" then run a way laughing.
13) Your best friend calls you and says he just broke up with his girlfriend, and seems really depressed. Do you:
A) Tell him that everything will be okay, and you can just sit and talk all night.
B) Take him out, get him completely drunk, then take his wallet to pay for a high-priced callgirl to pretend to fall in love with him.
C) Click over to the other line and call his ex-girlfriend to see if she wants to go out for a drink or six.
14) Your girlfriend gives you a really ugly sweater for your birthday. Do you:
A) Tell her you love it and then make sure that you wear it every single day until it gets too filthy to wear ever again.
B) Cut it up and make it into a sweater for the dog.
C) Bang her sister.
15) A foreign woman asks you for directions to a place that you have never heard of. Do you:
A) Laugh loudly at her foreign accent because it makes her sound different than you
B) Tell her that you donít know where it is, but you will help her find itÖfor a price. Then follow that by winking and saying "and I donít mean Pesos, baby."
C) Pretend that you know exactly where it is, and then give them really long and complicated directions so that they think they made the mistake when they end up at a Klan rally.
Add up all your points Ė Aís are worth 1, Bís are worth 2 and Cís are worth 3.
15-25 points: You are not much of a douchebag at all. Perhaps not even enough of a douchebag. Work on being meaner, then get back to me.
26-34 points: You are on the outskirts of douchebag city. Granted you are in the suburbs, but you still take the train in quite frequently to downtown Doucheville.
35-45 points: Congratulations! You are a full-fledged, card-carrying Douchebag. People at Massengil have shrines to you. Iíd shake your hand but I donít have a napkin to wipe off the water and vinegar.