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Thread: How To Poop At Work

  1. #1
    Nobody knows I'm a dog. TZ Veteran petard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003

    How To Poop At Work


    We've all been there but don't like to
    admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles
    and suddenly felt something brewing down

    As much as we try to convince ourselves
    otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.

    For those who hate pooping at work,
    following is the Survival Guide for taking a
    dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk
    briskly around the office so the smell is not
    in your area and everyone else gets a
    whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
    Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
    until the full fart has been expelled.
    Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
    smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY The act of scouting out a
    bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
    other poopers. If there are others in
    the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
    careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
    People may become suspicious if they
    catch you constantly going into the

    ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while
    taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
    a stall. This is usually accompanied by
    a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
    release an escapee, do not acknowledge
    Pretend it did not happen. If you are
    standing next to the farter in he urinal,
    pretend you did not hear it. No one
    likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
    involved Making a joke or laughing makes
    both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several
    farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
    is usually a side effect of diarrhea or
    a hangover. If this should happen, do not
    panic. Remain in the stall until
    everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
    the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the
    toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
    This reduces the amount of air time the
    poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
    can help you avoid being caught doing
    the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall,
    to the sink, to the door after you have
    just stunk up the room. This can be a
    very uncomfortable moment if someone
    walks in and busts you. As with farts,
    it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
    Can be avoided with the use of the

    who poops at work and is damn proud
    of it. You will often see an Out Of The
    Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
    newspaper or magazine under his or her
    arm. Always look around the office for the
    Out The Closet Pooper before entering
    the bathroom.

    group of co-workers who band
    together to ensure emergency pooping
    goes off without incident. This group can
    help you to monitor the whereabouts of
    Out Of The Closet
    Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom
    somewhere in the building where you can
    least expect visitors. Try floors that
    are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
    will reduce the odds of a pooper of your
    sex entering the

    TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not
    realize that you are in the stall and tries to
    force the door open. This is one of the
    most shocking and vulnerable moments
    that can occur when taking a poop at
    work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
    Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
    avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts
    all new entrants into the bathroom that
    you are in a stall. This can be used to
    cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
    potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
    when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used
    to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
    in a stall. This will remove all doubt
    that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
    Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
    so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud
    splash when hitting the toilet water.
    This is also an embarrassing incident.
    If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
    diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that
    creates a series of loud splashes in the
    toilet water. Often accompanied by an
    Escapee or a Jailbreak. Try using a Camo-
    Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to
    linger around forever. Could spend
    extended lengths of time in front of the
    mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
    makes it difficult to relax while on the
    crapper, as you should always wait to poop
    when the bathroom is empty. This
    benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    Poop Well and Prosper!

    Many thanks to egghead for the cool .sig

  2. #2
    Security Intelligence TZ Veteran cash_site's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Software Paradise
    Another great article from the Unlce Ted himself!

    Oh man, had me in stiches! I might go celebrate with a flyby (Office Pranks at their best!)

    Good job Petard!

    --- 0wN3D by 3gG ---

  3. #3
    Near Life Experienced TZ Veteran zipp51's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    It's better to bear the shame than bear the pain.
    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

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